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Friday, 14 November 2003
A Meaty and/or Logical Theory of Our Weather
Mood:  on fire
Have I mentioned lately what worthless sacks of shit TV weathermen are? I don't suppose it makes (much) sense blaming them for the absolute indian summer-like weather we are still experiencing EVEN IN FUCKING NOVEMBER, but there's an obvious inverse correlation between the amount of high-tech crap they're so proud of and their actual forecast accuracy. And when I say it doesn't make much sense to blame them for this preposterously un-autumnal weather, that is to say that Shawn Rutherford of KXAN is the single greatest reason why Austin experiences nine months of summer every year. He is obviously the Spawn of Satan because there is no day hot or bright or humid enough to slake his overheated, dessicated, and bleached-bone sense of climactic discomfort. This is the only possible explanation, for who could imagine a weatherman less inclined to the joys of a nice, juicy thunderstorm? A real soaker, see. Or, how about a nice cold snap? One that might kill off some bugs? Oh, no! Not His Repellency! Not the Everlasting Dome of High Pressure Itself. I mean, FUCK this guy! Who is he being a shill for? The Board for Unpleasant Afternoons? The International Council for Nights of Ninety-eight Percent Humidity? I am SICK of this cracker mofo! I want cold days and even colder nights NOW. Not several years ago before Rutherford of the Nether-regions emerged on the scene to scare away the weather a normal man would like to see. Think he's taking on too much of the blame? Nonsense. His physical existence in the Austin metropolitan region actually causes entire systems of ripe low pressure to split up and go around this town only to remerge again to our south. Tune into him sometime: who knows why he says what he says? Is he just trying to placate the phoniest anchor team in Austin TV by praising all hot weather and sunniness and damning with faint expectations anything that might appear cool or cold or overcast? Maybe THAT'S it. Maybe it's their fault. Wendy Woolfolk and that mumble-mouthed [quipster] Chris Willis: blame THEM.


Posted by Toby Petzold at 3:22 AM CST | Post Comment | Permalink

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