The Fifty Most Beautiful Women (Not Personally Known to Me)
1. Elizabeth Taylor (b. 27 Feb 1932; London) She is the first and last of her kind. Her
biography, however weird and sordid, only adds to her beauty. In Technicolor, she owns the screen. In black and white, she
is self-illuminating. No one has violet eyes, but she does. Of all the women I have never known, I love
her face the best.
2. Elizabeth Montgomery (14 Apr 1933; Los Angeles - 18 May 1995) Liz Montgomery
was the prettiest TV mom ever. She had a beautiful glow about her and an endless store of warmth and wit. Jones says he loves
her even better when she plays her wicked, raven-haired cousin Samantha. I must agree.
3. Salma Hayek (b. 2 Sep 1966; Veracruz, MEX) With all due respect to Ms. Taylor, the most
beautiful face presently shining on Creation is Salma Hayek's. She is simply perfect. It would be an actual crime against
humanity if she failed to have a child. And here I am ---perfectly willing to help her however I can! Damn it all!
4. Rita Hayworth (Margarita Carmen Cansino) (17 Oct 1918; Brooklyn - 14 May 1987) What a
gorgeous woman! And what an interesting life. I think she basically had the greatest head of hair ever: an incredibly rich
and dark shade of auburn. Yeah, so it was really black, but still. Check her out in Gilda. She's in Technicolor (despite
the movie being in B&W).
5. Vanessa Williams (b. 18 Mar 1963; Millwood, NY) This woman is mesmerizingly pretty. Yeah,
she does a lot of infomercials and crapola, but there's no one I'd rather see at three in the morning. Vanessa Williams
is the single best argument I know for what they used to call miscegenation. She is physically perfect.
6. Ann Margret (Ann-Margret Olssen) (b. 28 Apr 1941; Valsjobyn, SWE) Ann Margret is sexier
than she is pretty, and she is almost unbelievably pretty. If this woman doesn't fill your mind with creatively procreative
ideas, you should consult your physician.
7. Karen Elaine Price (b. 17 Jul 1960; Pasadena, CA) This lady is my very favorite
Playboy Playmate (January 1981). All of her parts are in perfect working order and she is a credit to the race. I wonder where
she is these days.
8. Halle Berry (b. 14 Aug 1968; Cleveland) Halle Berry has the most
beautiful skin and complexion imaginable. She is the cover girl of the 21st Century and a lovely example of the ideal American
9. Bette Davis (5 Apr 1908; Lowell, MA - 6 Oct 1989) I like a saucy dame and Bette
Davis pretty much does it for me. It's a cliche to say what beautiful eyes she had, so I'll just add that she also had a great
rack. And she was short. Hmmm....
10. Olivia Hussey (Olivia Osuna) (b. 17 Apr 1951; Buenos Aires) This woman
is Juliet (see her at the age of 15 in Franco Zefferelli's Romeo and Juliet). Her face is proof of God's
11. Susan Sarandon (Susan Abigail Tomalin) (b. 4 Oct 1946; Queens) I absolutely detest her
politics, but there is nothing not beautiful about Susan Sarandon. Schwing! I think she's actually getting prettier
as she ages.
12. Elaine Irwin (b. c1971; Gilbertsville, PA) I don't know what this one-time model looks
like anymore, but before she got married to John Mellencamp (and surely after) she was simply stunningly different. There's
a feline quality in her eyes that is unforgettable.
13. Rose McGowan (b. 5 Sep 1975?; Florence, ITA) I hate to think that she's had sex with
Marilyn Manson, but what are you gonna do? Rose McGowan is pure dope. It's worth your while to find that Imperial
Teen video she did for their song from the movie Jawbreaker. Outrageous!
14. Christina Ricci (b. 12 Feb 1980; Santa Monica, CA) This young lady has been setting
my pants on edge since before she was supposed to. Am I allowed to say that? She has beautiful dark eyes and a lovely
figure. I think she's a little flaky, but you have to understand that that means nothing to me.
15. Roberta Vasquez (b. 13 Feb 1963; Los Angeles) This ex-policewoman is my second favorite
Playmate of all time (November 1984). She is absolutely off-the-charts and hook, at no time not being all that and
a bag of chips. If you are unmoved by the merest glimpse of this woman's beauty, then you are a dead Catholic priest.
16. Lynda Carter (b. 24 Jul 1951; Phoenix) I've been in love with this lady since before
I became a fur-covered mammal. She is statuesque, raven-haired, and stacked like, well, Wonder Woman. Umm...I think I need
to be alone now, thank you.
17. Greta Scacchi (b. 18 Feb 1960; Milan, ITA) I think I fell in love with this woman when
I first saw her in Presumed Innocent. She, like Susan Sarandon, has my favorite female facial feature fetish:
lines under her eyes. And she's just plain delicious.
18. Winona Ryder (Winona Laura Horowitz) (b. 29 Oct 1971; Winona, MN) I don't care about
her being a kleptomaniac: I love her dark eyes and creamy white skin. She's a lovely lady to look at and an interesting
19. Olivia Newton-John (b. 26 Sep 1948; Cambridge, ENG)
20. Donna Edmondson (b. 1 Feb 1966; Greensboro, NC) This woman was Playboy's Playmate of
the Year in 1987, which, in retrospect, is especially noteworthy since Edmondson is neither surgically enhanced nor a bleached
blonde. She is, instead, a delight and just one more reason why it's good to be alive.
21. Stockard Channing (b. 13 Feb 1944; New York City) Yep. It's true. I've had a crush on
this woman since Grease. Well-designed with big brown eyes, she's been giving me impure thoughts of a highly heterosexual
nature since I was ten.
22. Sela Ward (b. 11 Jul 1956; Meridian, MS)
23. Donna Reed (Donnabelle Mullenger) (27 Jan 1921; Denison, IA) I fall in love with
Donna Reed all over again every Christmas when I watch It's a Wonderful Life. The glow in her face when she and George
Bailey are on the phone with their friend is priceless.
24. Marilyn Monroe (Norma Jeane Mortenson) (1 June 1926; Los Angeles - 5 Aug 1962) It would
be ridiculous to exclude Marilyn Monroe from a list of hot babes, but I've never really been obsessed with her like you're
supposed to be. Nevertheless, her impact on the sexual aesthetic of 20th Century Western culture is undeniable. And she was,
in many ways and at many times, absolutely delicious.
25. Jane Seymour (Joyce Penelope Wilhelmina Frankenberg) (b. 15 Feb 1951; Hillingdon, ENG)
26. Sophia Loren (Sofia Scicolone) (b. 20 Sep 1934; Rome)
27. Ava Gardner (24 Dec 1922; Grabtown, NC - 25 Jan 1990) Sinatra, you were a lucky bastard.
28. Aishwarya Rai (b. c1974; prob. India) Madness, madness...
29. Dolores Ericson (b. c1945?) This is a name you may not know, but she was the model for
the album cover of Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass's Whipped Cream and Other Delights (1965). All decked out in
whipped cream (which was really shaving cream, I'm told) and a few months pregnant when she was captured for posterity, this
woman's gaze is enough to make a killer confess. Good God Almighty!
30. Jessica Alba (b. c1983) The blonde thing is undeniably wonderful, but Alab could pretty much
pull off any color. She is amazing and possibly sacred.
30. Jane Fonda (b. 21 Dec 1937; New York City)
31. Deborah Norville (b. 8 Aug 1958; Dalton, GA)
32. Ashley Judd (b. c1966? Los Angeles)
33. Phyllis George (b. 25 Jun 1949; TX)
34. Molly Ringwald (b. 18 Feb 1968; Roseville. CA)
35. Raquel Welch
36. Julia Ormond
37. Grace Slick (b. 30 Oct 1939; Evanston, IL) Man, when Grace Slick was in her 20s, she
was stunning. Did you ever think of that? What beautiful features! Her hair's gone completely white these days and
she looks great.