"Me So Horny. Me Love You Long Time."
Mood:  suave
I almost certainly shouldn't post this entry, but what's a man's life and dignity good for if they can't be exploited for the sake of the entertainment of strangers? Besides, it's a part of my character to self-efface and self-disclose, so here's what I am doing: I have posted my profile (complete with some oh-so inviting photographs) with an internet personal ad service. I am looking for a girlfriend. I haven't had one in many years and, as I recall, it did wonders for my complexion. No. That's not even true. But, it is normal for a heterosexual male to seek a woman's company at some point, notwithstanding whatever repellent qualities he may be burdened with, so I've given into the temptation of humiliating myself online.

My first few contacts have been pretty lousy. It turns out, according to two of the three women I've chatted with, that the text of my profile is filled with subliminal misogyny. Of course, that's not true, nor would either of them be capable of articulating such a concept in those terms if it were, but what else do you expect a couple of cock-deprived bitches to say? See? If you want hostility, I can provide it from here to eternity. But what I'm trying to do is demonstrate a sense of humor. Guess what doesn't translate very well?

So, I get gun-shy. The nature of online flirting or introducing yourself or whatever you want to call it is necessarily verbal, so you have to say something interesting, right? Am I supposed to play Ralph Wiggum to their Lisa Simpson and ask if they "like things and stuff"? Wouldn't the idea be to provoke something? Not in an antagonizing way, obviously, but you shouldn't have to bury your fucking personality just so that you won't come across poorly. No, I wouldn't say what I've said to them if I ran across them in person, but that's because, again, you have to verbalize in this particular mode. You don't get to exchange glances and expressions and scent: you have to move directly to asking a question or making a comment worth responding to.

You must be thinking that I have come out swinging at them with stuff like, "Say, are those tits fake?" or "Hey, I'm fat, too!" But, no. I've come at them with that usual male bullshit like, "Good evening" or "who are you voting for?" or "you have a beautiful smile." It's all part of my patriarchal desire to oppress them with my courtesy and interest.

Is this coming off bitter? Good.

One of them already had me pegged for a sack of shit when her response included a reference to a statement in my profile expressing a preference for a woman with "solid middle-class values." She said she didn't believe in judging people by their income level or class and suggested, obliquely, that I was "stupid" for trying to engage her from a conservative position. Now, you have to realize that "a woman with solid middle-class values" is code among us fascists for "a woman who works for a living." That is to say, there's a lot of women who don't work and who either live off of Uncle Sucker and the local dole because they can't keep their legs together or who live off of daddy's credit card collection. So, when I say I want a woman who has a job, I mean that I want a woman who values her money and appreciates what it takes to make it 'cause this cracker don't go in for loafers and freeloaders, goddammit. If this woman who wrote me thinks that's awful of me (and, not incidentally, her degree is in Wymyn's Studies), then so be it.

Anyway, that's all beside the point. The real problem is my profile. In it, I have offended every one of these women with my sarcastic wish that their profile pictures show them with either some fucking guy hanging all over them at some bar or with a giant Great Dane in their laps or with a beer in their hands. See, I don't really want to see that, but that's how the seeming great majority of them present themselves. Is that supposed to be enticing? The obvious impression is that they are drunks who are obsessed with their dogs or who can't seem to get free of their prior entanglements. It's not fair of me, I know, but neither is being pissed on by strangers who don't realize that I am just trying to be interesting and funny and not an innocuous flatterer with nothing to say.